flashbacks

 

Every now and then I think back.. okay, correction.. I live in my head a lot. I think back a LOT. Not in a regret kind of way. I just relive experiences in my life quite a bit. Good or bad. It’s like a movie I just sit back and watch, whether I want to or not. Day dreaming, I’ll suddenly shudder and “awake” from reliving something.

I think back to what really led me to a hospital birth. Obviously, I had the blood clots. Obviously, I had low fluids. But really. If you had REALLY been here with me… I was fighting it. Hard.

I had tried to keep the door open. Dual care, while frustrating, was me keeping that door open. Although, I think having the calming and peaceful visits with me midwife did help to keep me grounded.

Ahhh to be labeled high risk. Or as one of the nurses had repeatedly said “YOU COULD DIE!!!!” I wanted so badly to just.. just.. not forget about it, but to be normal. Have a normal pregnancy. To be treated normally during the birth. But they’d put such fear in me. “You could die. Your BABY could die..” Who wants to argue with that? Me? Honestly, I wanted to run.

And so the entire pregnancy, I planned. I wanted that home birth. And for what? Bodily autonomy. To be at home, in my comfort zone. With whoever I wanted with me (no limit, children included.) To have my birthing pool to soak in. “This is how I want it.” Of COURSE I wanted a healthy birthing. A healthy baby. But I wanted my cake and to eat it too. And I was scared of course. I hadn’t really witnessed fun hospital births. But I HAD experience two calm home births. I wanted what I knew. I don’t like the unknown. Never have.

I think God chuckled you know. Because I didn’t just pray. I demanded. I cried. I threw a pity party, and stomped my feet. But but but!!

Then at 34 weeks, with the low fluids…did I concede? Pshhh. I fought even harder. My way wasn’t happening. The doctor visits did nothing but scare the crap out of me. I tried very hard to be strong, but I was tired. And the negativity wears on you. By then I would walk out crying every time. When they sent me to the hospital talking about “low fluids” “still birth” “compressed cord could happen, you’re baby could die!!! Don’t go home, go IMMEDIATELY to the hospital”… as if my baby had already died or WAS dying… I sobbed my way to my car and called my mother. I couldn’t even talk, all I could think about were sweet angel babies of mothers whose blogs I read. Would this be me too? And God bless my mother, she flew to me that night.

The next night after the hospital, as Nate and I are sitting there… and my fluid levels are back up… he (for the first time ever) tells me his opinion. “Let’s have the home birth. Let’s just do it. You are way too stressed in the hospital.” And he was right, I was definitely stressed. Me? What did I think?

I thought that for sure that must mean something. A “sign” of some sort. It had to be. So we contact the midwife via text. “What are your thoughts of a home birth?” I talk with her extensively about what this means to her. How does she feel about it. And really, I didn’t get much of an answer. Rather it was all still a “let’s wait and see” kind of decision. I still need to make a post about the midwife. Because, just like doctors who don’t tell you the whole truth so as not to scare away patients who don’t want a lot of intervention, you can interview everyone. Think you find someone you love…but in the end it’s not always what you thought you were getting. I’ll explain another time.

That week (of the hospital visit) my in-laws came to visit. We ate at Mystic Pizza and enjoyed ourselves. My blessed mother was going to stay until my next doctors visit, so I wasn’t alone. Just in case it would be another hospital trip.

We were all walking back to the car, and that’s when I decided I’d had enough. I was tired of trying to control things, and having it all fail miserably. I wanted it to just be taken out of my hands. Because I knew if she was born before 37 weeks it would be a hospital birth anyway. AND, I was fine with that. I was fine with it because I knew that we would need it. I knew it would be the better decision. Makes no sense right??? Blood clots? High risk?? NO, “I want a home birth” waa waa waa… before 37 weeks, take me to the hospital!! I never said that I made sense. lol But with every home birth I knew that if it were before 37 weeks I would need to be at the hospital. So maybe I’d prepared myself for that waaaaay before all this? Who knows.

“God. I give up. I give up control. I’m tired of fighting. Your will be done.”

I was still scared. I was still wanting control, but it was at that point that I was just tired. I needed someone bigger than me to deal with it. To take it off my shoulders, and carry the burden.

And He did, he took it off my hands. It was a beautiful birth you know. Her heart rate was beautiful. My doula and my mother were/are amazing. My nurses were wonderful women who provided such great care. And the doctors I had let me make the decisions within the realm of safety. Was it my ideal? No. I had an epidural that is still a pain in my back. I wasn’t at home. My dad wasn’t able to be there (even though he was in town). And my sons weren’t there to see their sister be born. That will probably always be a little bit sad in my mind, even if they never care. lol

God blessed me though. In the end, I just had to let Him. Not to say he wouldn’t have if I didn’t give up control. Then again we won’t ever know how that story goes….